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  • Debbie 

State of Grace- Journey To Recovery

In August of last year, I received a couple of miracles. Actually it has come to my attention the complete confirmation of the “state of Grace.” *a follow-up explanation will be given.

They weren’t the first miracles God had given me to continue on this chronic journey experience but they were certainly the loudest so far. It has taken a very long time for me to regain my mental, physical, and emotional health. It has been still not totally recovered and it has been an ongoing process going to accept that this new model of my brain may be my new normal. Yet, I still secretly keep trying to regain my old self. My original self, who could remember things, multitask, easily do things, i. e. task/s, remember everyone’s telephone numbers… so many things I took for granted. “My monkey brain”. Yet, I am struggling to do so much. This is the honest truth. I am telling things to people who have already been told the thing I am telling them. It is also in this moment of unconditional love and unconditional support occurs. The inhaling of peace and comfort is also peace and and strength. In the midst of doing so, a flash of déjà vu occurs- I realize I am in a repeat scenario. I also just recently “heard- understood “ that I was not breathing on the day of the initial incident. This didn’t happen all at once, but in stages. The life flight that would get me to the ICU in Jonesboro really did save my life. The appeal request, we are making for it to covered by our insurance, is the reason I am in the process of moving through the brain connections- hearing, listening, reading, comprehending, and writing about the details I won’t, can’t will never remember, but know I am blessed to still be alive. The three days I will never remember required my spouse to write the appeal process. It is within the process… of my husband writing that he did CPR and was required to after …..

He found me collapsed on the floor. He works third shift, came home to find me unconscious. He managed to get me onto the bed. I was cold to the touch, he propped up on pillows, began getting me warmer.I seemed to be resting and okay.

The ambulance crew came and left me…my husband came back to check on me awhile later and I wasn’t breathing right. He then called 911 again they told him to lay me flat . I had quit breathing all together and began to have seizures. The second ambulance came.

It is with this information I now know it Al, bmakes perfect sense. The initial incident was continuous. why my brain was/is struggling. The lack of oxygen along with seizures, and the UTI all created a perfect storm on top of a chronic incurable illnesses. A body whose autoimmune system dealing with malnutrition, mitochondrial malabsorption, POTS, and more becomes an internal intestinal, neurological, plus issue kind of problem.

The days I can’t nor will never remember in ICU on the ventilator was the second part of a three part miracle. The bad UTI, seizures, oxygen all did quite a number on my brain. I woke up with crazy hallucinations that I am trying to forget.

This is my Achilles heel, weakest link, greatest fear, however you wish to describe it… I just want, wish, require to be sane, keep my my mental stability with my incurable illnesses, thank you very much. So, hallucinating and then realizing what I was doing and stopping bit was like a piece of living hell – except I had the most amazing, supportive, intelligent, family anyone could be blessed by in this world. I can’t even express how much their unconditional love and support along with the excellent care at hospital made this whole situation feel manageable.

Hence—-> the STATE OF GRACE + MIRACLE/S—- within

The profound senses of gratitude and appreciation for my obvious miracles- should certainly be by me not complaining about my mental hurdles. Right? Then why am I so frustrated?

*The state of Grace, + miracles would be evident anyone. Living after an indeterminate amount of time unconscious plus without oxygen, cold to the touch, appearing to be breathing. The part two of said miracle, still in the Grace of being alive to address the seizures and UTI. The next cluster of miracles begin quickly. The choice of being air lifted to Jonesboro was a huge part of my state of Grace. My palliative care team is at Jonesboro and was able to provide information during the first few days. My family waited for 3 days to see if there was brain damage from lack of oxygen. My Grace/miracles continued and while everything has hard. I am here. Now I continue with the hospital experience….

When I could turn on my phone and iPad? I couldn’t remember how to do it. I couldn’t physically, mentally, and emotionally manage to do either my phone or iPad. I look back and realize now why. Then, I couldn’t understand, the “why?” I was having such a difficult time with everything. I was having a hard time finding words, trying to recall information, I couldn’t remember all of my diagnosis/es, I couldn’t find the words to describe everything. Just the simplest of things were a struggle. Like, expressing everything was trying to eat liquid to semi-soft was causing almost immediate diarrhea with pain. It took me days to mention this. I never got around to the constant nausea issue. Then once I was discharged to go home. I did the most idiotic of things. I was so afraid of the lingering diarrhea I had my hubby get some Imodium, but all he could find was the liquid. We had a two hour drive home. I should have taken the child’s size dose. Again, not thinking clearly!! It wrecked my intestines- I eventually sorted it out. I NEVER EVER EVER take anything for diarrhea because I don’t have a functioning colon. I have 7-9 inches of a colon which has been the best decision I’ve ever made, but has had consequences. One of which is a bathroom must be close when it is needed. If you have seen “Brother Where Art Thou?” Then you’ll understand what it means to be geographically challenged from everything. This is where the current landscape of the delta Arkansas. This isn’t a political statement, but an actual fact which also has politics.

The amount of Grace I was given by having my Palliative Care nearby was truly priceless. They were praying each day for me. Those first few days weren’t at all a certain outcome. They even stopped by to check on me and my family in those first few days.

I have made a great deal of progress from the beginning months, in which I was struggling to find a way through brain connectivity.

Slowly, very very slowly things began to improve. Brain muscles aren’t and are similar to our other muscles, but they also depend upon our age, nutrition, and a multitude of other factors. Yet, I have Faith.

It is with great Peace and Patience plus a healthy dose optimism I remain true to the PeaceBoat.

I believe my improvement will keep slowly going in the right direction. I just need patience with a healthy dose of optimism. My two most defining traits, right?